Friday, August 15, 2008

oh no.

i think this blog is too edgy and ahead of its time. 

i apologize to all the innocents who shed blood to make this possible.
you died in vain. 

move along, there's nothing to see here. 

Thursday, August 14, 2008

slam - JAM! that's how i beat shaq!

I snapped some photos of Lukas while he was sleeping. I was going to maybe wake him up and have him pretend he was sleeping in a funny pose, but I went in and his ass was hanging out of his sleeping bag anyways - which was good enough for me. 

before I talk about Lukas' love life I just want to say a quick fuck you to all the haters in my life. You told me I would amount to nothing, but here I am dick weeds, amounting to something! My blog is fucking famous and you're just a doofus. To all the people and trees and animals and stuff reading my blog that aren't just doofus heads (didn't know how to pluralize doofus so i made it into the adjective and added a easily pluralizable noun-ski), thanks for making me famous and loving my blog so much. You can vote for my blog in that favorite blogs contest that all the people love and stuff. 

Video store girl and Lukas talked. On a phone. They made elaborate plans to something. I heard something about playing the "new" Zelda (everyone knows they stopped making zelda years ago LDO) (LDO = lol duh obviously, btw for future referencing) with her housemates. There might have even been a mention of drinking beers. She's supposedly rockin' the commuting to college thing while working toward some sort of something that, to be honest, isn't scandalous enough for me to speak about. Something about pictures for national geographic. 

Monday night peace girl from work came to the potluck. She seemed really nice. She was sort of quiet and just kind of followed Lukas around semi-obediently. I don't see what he doesn't see in her. Juuuust kidding. So she kept texting him a whole bunch - like. Seemed like she was way into trying to make magic happen through the power of seductive text. Though none of the texts were really sexual. Sext Messaging. Monday Lukas lied to her and told her that he wasn't really wanting a relationship. He gave some stupid romantic line about not being sure about monogamy on top of it. Sounds like somebody is going to be getting a visit from the herpov sometime soon. ABC strategy, Lukas. Abstinence. Be Faithful. Condomize. But don't condomize. You and I both know, the only safe sex is no sex at all. Anyways apparently he was really nice about it or something. From his account of the story she seemed to have taken it well.
I take this to mean he somehow trainwrecked it and ruined her life. If you're reading this, peace girl, please stop. 
If you're still reading this - Lukas ain't half the gender-neutral man you are girl (still fucked up gender superiority implications!!! niiice). You deserve better.  Lukas is just a filthy herp trap. My mom once told me, "You stay away from that boy's penis - it seems like a delicious maple bar...but it's really a diphtheria sandwich - a not good tasting one."

I'm sure we'll here first hand accounts from the front line about awkwardness between them in the near future. I'm hoping for some sort of handjob scandal. YESSSSS.

So there is another girl at work that Lukas was all in love with or something. They got in trouble today for neglecting the kids because they were too busy doing that lousy awkward foreplay to foreplay thing. You know...talking. Apparently there were some young kids exploring and celebrating each others bodies while Lukas and this girl ignored them - carrying on a conversation while on the job. How the fuck are these kids going to learn to shame their bodies unless they're monitored and corrected constantly?
Lukas was totally gushing about her on a bike ride home from square dancing. He first started by saying he wasn't into her. Then shit got out of control. I puked in my mouth a little from how happy I was to hear him recount how great she is. She's a model. and doesn't shave her armpits. What a boy. 

Before this, on the way to the Bye and Bye hipster vegan capitalist bar place Lukas held hands with Naomi!!!! Nobody holds hands unless they're fuckin'. That would be dumb. Ergo, Lukas and Naomi are doing it. You heard it hear first. Prematurely. And probably wrongly. But yeah, they held hands and prior to that had a 2 hour "dude, seriously". I think that means conversational of a serious nature. Soul mates? AFAIK no. But maybe. 

Video store girl rocked the shafting on Lukas. Not in the good and maybe weird but sort of freaky and awesome way. She said she would call for the video games on Tuesday. I guess she just didn't. What a bleh. She is on a time out from being cool to me. Maybe something fucked up happened? I hope not. Ghost ride the hope not. 

Missed connection didn't show up to squaredancing. Duummmmb. Who does she think she is, all writing missed connections and not showing up. If she was a sandwich she would be a peanut butter and lame. Just kidding i'm sure she's nice. 

Women in Lukas' life, you're disappointing me. 
VSG is supposed to go contra dancing. I hope that happens. 

I can't help but think that i'm missing something big in Lukas' love life. 

I want some guess posters on this thing. 

I don't think I said anything about shipping it this entire time. 

Sunday, August 10, 2008

i realize pigeon-holing people with fucked up pseudonyms is really bad. i apologize to all the real people who may be affected by this blog. i don't actually think you're 1 or 2 dimensional.  you just have to be for this thing to work. stop being so selfish.

i know you have 3 dimensions. maybe even more.  just work with me here. thanks.

Jesus Died for Myspace

before i start talking about how crazy lukas' past few days have been in regards to his love life - i want to tell a story of post contra dancing mischief.

yes yes - we know...contra dancing. woop woop. yes. Lukas danced with many cuties. Some were old. Some were young. Wamp Wamp.

On the way home there was a church billboard that said "Jesus died for my space in heaven"
Lukas definitely didn't get benny on his shoulders. Benny then certainly did not take down "in heaven" from the board. Jesus definitely died for myspace.

Okay so We're up to date on the missed connection girl. That story line will hopefully be developing on wednesday during the square dance. 

So then there is the peace girl from work who texted lukas a picture of a tie dyed apron. So sick. What a degenerate. She also texted him to see if he was going to warped tour. He said it's not his thing. They'll probably make eyes at eachother at work tomorrow. Tiiight. 

Today he hung out with his tribe leader from hippie camp (NW youth corps or something - actually seems rad - nature and junk). She is older and goes to grad school somewhere. They talked for a really long time. Solid long distance jam potential IYAM. Just kidding. Probably. Not.



motherfucker is stone cold. she straight up said no. ri-goddamn-diculous. 

conversation re-enactment through text:
lukas: hey...i was wondering if you wanted to hang out some time
video store girl: err ummm no
lukas: oh, that's cool- byeeee

in phil dialect:
lukas: yo, you tryin' to ship?
vsg:  crucial?
lukas: hell yeah crucial
vsg: nah, i don't want to ship
lukas: fare thee well. ship the sorrow for lukas.

but then get this cray z ness (this is how my blog will win a e-pulitzer...for crazy real life stuff like this) lukas gets a text! ahhhhh! a text from video store girl!
yowza! she looked up his number in the video store database and texted him!


they texted back and forth and are going to hang out. 
homegirl just got out of something and doesn't want something.
lukas doesn't want something. 
perfecto. they're both into the fantazy sci fi thang. she invited him to play videogamesss.
she said he was ballsy for going in and asking her out. and she also said he seemed like he does it every day. like a pro!

this is all getting so hot and heavy. I can barely keep up. Not to mention all the making out Lukas has been doing with his housemate Justine. It's sort of awkward because his brother is kind of sexing with her/dating/whatever. I just hope his bro doesn't find out. He also confided in me that he has had at least twice make out fantasies about his housemate philip.

Pretty sweet.

Lukas is well on his way to eternal bliss.

Soon there will be pics in the updates. I will try to snap a few of him in his sleep. 
Cool? Cool.

I need some sort of witty sign off.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

He spent the better part of last night text messagingggggg
texttttttttting to a secret love.


she's got peace shoes from what I hear.

she's got wit
she's got style
she's got peace

it's onnnnnnnn m-fucker.

when asked about here lukas commented that she is a "beautiful person".

we thought that meant she know...busted, but he said she was attractive inside and out.

here's to hitting in. Or to entering a fruitful long term platonic friendship. Or something in between?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008


blogging is so fucking annoying.
how do people do it?

gahhhhhhh. I feel like this blog is taking over my life. It feels like updating is a chore. FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK.

Okay. Lukas was talking to Lisa yesterday and I heard him say that he needs to give her more attention. More lovin'. I think it is really manly of Lukas to be able to admit this. Props bro. 

OMFG there was blues dancing last night. Lukas danced with lots of girls and some boys. He danced with me a few times. I felt his penis on my thigh a few times. It's cool. I think next week or maybe the week after there is supposed to be square dancing. This will be cool because maybe we will get to meet the famous missed connection. Hopefully something neat happens there. Lukas doesn't seem particularly stoked. 

He is about to go to work. He said something about getting nicer shirts for work, so maybe there is some sort of potential love interest worth impressing....
He couldn't possibly want to just like nice for work, right?

Last night he went to dinner at Nicholas with a "friend" from Olympia. No word on whether or not this is true love or one of those situations in which the love is unreciprocated due to the other person's interest in not the opposite sex. I don't even know if Lukas is in love with her or just has a huge crush. Or just a little one. Or none at all. He's hard to read.

He biked home from blues dancing last night with his shirt off. The honies were gawking at his hot 8-pack. The dudes was jealous. 

Sorry if some of the stuff in this blog seems gender-normative - Lukas is just a man-ass man.

In the distant future Lukas might go to Thailand. Shiiiiiiiiip the lady-boys ftw imo.  

Friday, August 1, 2008

ship the sherbet

lukas is emo.

he might be at work right now.
he could even be doing it in a closet or something on a cigarette break.
fuck. the suspense is killing me. 

touch my face

3:09 AM: Lukas in bed. Asleep. Cuddling with Lisa. Scandalous.

This past night he watched some sketchy Dustin Hoffman film which seemed like it was from a little later than 'the graduate' but around the same time maybe. His character was some sort of mathematics researcher living in the UK. Lots of sketchy sex and sketchy behaviour and sketchy characters and sketchy interactions. 

Most importantly is that the movie was recommended by movie store girl (msg hereafter)(nah fuck that, it will stay movie store girl). So I don't know if this will slowly bring them closer - but next time Lukas is in the movie store he will have some common ground to talk about. I wonder if he will pretend he liked it, as it is her number one pick. If he can somehow move the conversation toward Lord of the Rings and some crazy shit like Rohan or Gandorlf or the hobbit movie by peter jackson(?) (dear god I could  be wrong, but I might be right) in a way that is not awkward this might be the best bet. 

He watched the movie with Naomi. My sources tell me they didn't do anything freaky, but we'll keep you up to date on developing news. 

Nothing up to date on the missed connection yet. Developments to come in the next few weeks i'm sure. Her name is maybe Yosha, or something of that nature. Nobody remembers her. Meh. 

This is also an exciting time because Lukas just started work. Maybe there is some potential in a co-worker...? 

We have an investigative reporter on deep cover working to figure out if Lukas masturbates before bed, after waking up, lefty/righty, etc. Basically just masturbation 'stats', if you will. Will post once we know for sure. 

If I keep up this posting volume it would be so sick. 
And yes, I misspelled "Gandolf" on purpose because I thought you assholes would get a kick out of my amateurish lack of LOTR knowledge. Bite it.