omfg

i got an anonymous text tip off that some groovy lady at the student cafe said that she thought lukas' sweater was cute.

we know she wasn't really liking the sweater, but the lukas.
it's not the bow...it's the indian....or something like that.

way to go!
they could be in love by now.

i heard he's like...huge.

it's just like...like....you know?

So it's been a while...








and I hate to tell you this...




















but lukas is dead.































just kidding.
i've been out traveling so I haven't had much (any) work on the front lines as a spectactor to the crazy clusterfuck dance party that is Lukas' Love Life. For all I know he could be married right now. I usually wouldn't talk about myself...but because it so closely relates to lukas' impeccable love making skills, I will. I miss the HJ's. Plain and simple. The man gives a mean HJ.

Before I left I overheard him talking about the possibility of finding a few beautiful women to start farming babies with. He said something about "mad cash money all up in my pockets" and how people are dying for "some phat all-american baby-age". I thought this was a little off, but whatever.

He could be having an affair right now and I would have no way of knowing...except that I already knew before it happened. Gah. The suspense is thrilling me. Killing me. Softly.

EXCUSE ME.

What is new with Lukas?

Boy is building a raft. I think he is finishing it tomorrow.
He is starting school soon.
Might be making a foray into sex work in the near future (just kidding...)

I saw him doing pushups in the kitchen the other day. It was ridiculous. I could feel his muscles from the other room. They aren't big per se, but they are so defined and rock hard.

A deep background source tells me lukas has opened a line of correspondence with one of the girls from t.a.t.u. Supposedly she was stressed out from all the pressures of Moscow...something about working on a new album. They have reportedly booked a trip to havana for spring break.

I heard Lukas is really into public sex...so if you see him in public...well...
sex.

that is all for now. may your ship its be crucial.

lukas needs this

alright, after much considerations i think this fucker is back in business.

i looked into the possibility of finding a ghostwriter for this shit.

no good. i guess i have to ghost write it myself. shipit.

we're back because lukas needs this blog.

check the timeline:

earlier - before the blog his love life was bland, at best.

less earlier - blog hits- lukas' love life gets crazy out of control gnar boots hot rolling boil.

most recent - blog ends, love life drops temp to a tepid gurgle. not gnarboots.

updates:

videostoregirl was a dead end i guess. something about emotional baggage from a previous blah blah and whatever and the only important part is that they never even hung out. dumb. now i think maybe he avoids the videostore and has a "fuck it dude" attitude about the situation.

"more than do-si-do" missed connection girl missed a square dance or something and there was a big gap in between meetings and lukas supposedly wasn't really into her or something. shut it down, no love.

peacegirl from work came to a potluck, was awkward , followed lukas around, seemed nice, texted him chilly relationshippy type stuff, fizzle, fizzle, die. nothing. i think he said something about "not really feelin' it" or something. neat. sometimes i feel like for lukas, girls are those skeet things. he just likes to shoot at them. maybe the skeets are their hearts. lukas shoots hearts. with guns. sorry peace girl, you gots shot. by lukas' wang. his anti-love wang. unsexually.

he went to the olympic national forest a week ago with philip and naomi and the benny. philip and lukas climbed to the peak of some place near boulder lake. there have been reports that a wild orgy was had on the peak of a mountain. pregnancy tests have been issued. one elk is reported to be filing suit.

i forget what else. maybe there will be some retroactive update if i am reminded. please leave any requests for specific investigative work in the comment thing. be discreet or something. i guess.

oh yeah. there is a girl that was in his class at psu who is a hot hipster or something. he saw her at paradox. why didn't he talk to her? gah. maybe next time.

you are to me as the dead are to me, dead.

how the fuck do i make pictures happen in the middle of shit and stuff?

oh no.

i think this blog is too edgy and ahead of its time. 

i apologize to all the innocents who shed blood to make this possible.

you died in vain. 

move along, there's nothing to see here. 

slam - JAM! that's how i beat shaq!

I snapped some photos of Lukas while he was sleeping. I was going to maybe wake him up and have him pretend he was sleeping in a funny pose, but I went in and his ass was hanging out of his sleeping bag anyways - which was good enough for me. 

before I talk about Lukas' love life I just want to say a quick fuck you to all the haters in my life. You told me I would amount to nothing, but here I am dick weeds, amounting to something! My blog is fucking famous and you're just a doofus. To all the people and trees and animals and stuff reading my blog that aren't just doofus heads (didn't know how to pluralize doofus so i made it into the adjective and added a easily pluralizable noun-ski), thanks for making me famous and loving my blog so much. You can vote for my blog in that favorite blogs contest that all the people love and stuff. 

Video store girl and Lukas talked. On a phone. They made elaborate plans to something. I heard something about playing the "new" Zelda (everyone knows they stopped making zelda years ago LDO) (LDO = lol duh obviously, btw for future referencing) with her housemates. There might have even been a mention of drinking beers. She's supposedly rockin' the commuting to college thing while working toward some sort of something that, to be honest, isn't scandalous enough for me to speak about. Something about pictures for national geographic. 

Monday night peace girl from work came to the potluck. She seemed really nice. She was sort of quiet and just kind of followed Lukas around semi-obediently. I don't see what he doesn't see in her. Juuuust kidding. So she kept texting him a whole bunch - like. Seemed like she was way into trying to make magic happen through the power of seductive text. Though none of the texts were really sexual. Sext Messaging. Monday Lukas lied to her and told her that he wasn't really wanting a relationship. He gave some stupid romantic line about not being sure about monogamy on top of it. Sounds like somebody is going to be getting a visit from the herpov sometime soon. ABC strategy, Lukas. Abstinence. Be Faithful. Condomize. But don't condomize. You and I both know, the only safe sex is no sex at all. Anyways apparently he was really nice about it or something. From his account of the story she seemed to have taken it well.

I take this to mean he somehow trainwrecked it and ruined her life. If you're reading this, peace girl, please stop. 

\

If you're still reading this - Lukas ain't half the gender-neutral man you are girl (still fucked up gender superiority implications!!! niiice). You deserve better.  Lukas is just a filthy herp trap. My mom once told me, "You stay away from that boy's penis - it seems like a delicious maple bar...but it's really a diphtheria sandwich - a not good tasting one."

I'm sure we'll here first hand accounts from the front line about awkwardness between them in the near future. I'm hoping for some sort of handjob scandal. YESSSSS.

So there is another girl at work that Lukas was all in love with or something. They got in trouble today for neglecting the kids because they were too busy doing that lousy awkward foreplay to foreplay thing. You know...talking. Apparently there were some young kids exploring and celebrating each others bodies while Lukas and this girl ignored them - carrying on a conversation while on the job. How the fuck are these kids going to learn to shame their bodies unless they're monitored and corrected constantly?

Lukas was totally gushing about her on a bike ride home from square dancing. He first started by saying he wasn't into her. Then shit got out of control. I puked in my mouth a little from how happy I was to hear him recount how great she is. She's a model. and doesn't shave her armpits. What a boy. 

Before this, on the way to the Bye and Bye hipster vegan capitalist bar place Lukas held hands with Naomi!!!! Nobody holds hands unless they're fuckin'. That would be dumb. Ergo, Lukas and Naomi are doing it. You heard it hear first. Prematurely. And probably wrongly. But yeah, they held hands and prior to that had a 2 hour "dude, seriously". I think that means conversational of a serious nature. Soul mates? AFAIK no. But maybe. 

Video store girl rocked the shafting on Lukas. Not in the good and maybe weird but sort of freaky and awesome way. She said she would call for the video games on Tuesday. I guess she just didn't. What a bleh. She is on a time out from being cool to me. Maybe something fucked up happened? I hope not. Ghost ride the hope not. 

Missed connection didn't show up to squaredancing. Duummmmb. Who does she think she is, all writing missed connections and not showing up. If she was a sandwich she would be a peanut butter and lame. Just kidding i'm sure she's nice. 

Women in Lukas' life, you're disappointing me. 

VSG is supposed to go contra dancing. I hope that happens. 

I can't help but think that i'm missing something big in Lukas' love life. 

I want some guess posters on this thing. 

I don't think I said anything about shipping it this entire time. 

wowowowineedalife.

i realize pigeon-holing people with fucked up pseudonyms is really bad. i apologize to all the real people who may be affected by this blog. i don't actually think you're 1 or 2 dimensional.  you just have to be for this thing to work. stop being so selfish.

i know you have 3 dimensions. maybe even more.  just work with me here. thanks.

Jesus Died for Myspace

before i start talking about how crazy lukas' past few days have been in regards to his love life - i want to tell a story of post contra dancing mischief.

yes yes - we know...contra dancing. woop woop. yes. Lukas danced with many cuties. Some were old. Some were young. Wamp Wamp.

On the way home there was a church billboard that said "Jesus died for my space in heaven"

Lukas definitely didn't get benny on his shoulders. Benny then certainly did not take down "in heaven" from the board. Jesus definitely died for myspace.

Okay so We're up to date on the missed connection girl. That story line will hopefully be developing on wednesday during the square dance. 

So then there is the peace girl from work who texted lukas a picture of a tie dyed apron. So sick. What a degenerate. She also texted him to see if he was going to warped tour. He said it's not his thing. They'll probably make eyes at eachother at work tomorrow. Tiiight. 

Today he hung out with his tribe leader from hippie camp (NW youth corps or something - actually seems rad - nature and junk). She is older and goes to grad school somewhere. They talked for a really long time. Solid long distance jam potential IYAM. Just kidding. Probably. Not.

Ready for it? LUKAS WENT BALLS TO THE MOTHERFUCKING WALL STRAIGHT INTO THE VIDEO STORE AND ASKED VIDEO STORE GIRL IF SHE WANTED TO "HANG OUT SOMETIME"

SHE SAID "NO"!

motherfucker is stone cold. she straight up said no. ri-goddamn-diculous. 

conversation re-enactment through text:

lukas: hey...i was wondering if you wanted to hang out some time

video store girl: err ummm no

lukas: oh, that's cool- byeeee

in phil dialect:

lukas: yo, you tryin' to ship?

vsg:  crucial?

lukas: hell yeah crucial

vsg: nah, i don't want to ship

lukas: fare thee well. ship the sorrow for lukas.

but then get this cray z ness (this is how my blog will win a e-pulitzer...for crazy real life stuff like this) lukas gets a text! ahhhhh! a text from video store girl!

yowza! she looked up his number in the video store database and texted him!

WHHHHAHAAAATTTTTTTT!?>

they texted back and forth and are going to hang out. 

homegirl just got out of something and doesn't want something.

lukas doesn't want something. 

perfecto. they're both into the fantazy sci fi thang. she invited him to play videogamesss.

she said he was ballsy for going in and asking her out. and she also said he seemed like he does it every day. like a pro!

this is all getting so hot and heavy. I can barely keep up. Not to mention all the making out Lukas has been doing with his housemate Justine. It's sort of awkward because his brother is kind of sexing with her/dating/whatever. I just hope his bro doesn't find out. He also confided in me that he has had at least twice make out fantasies about his housemate philip.

Pretty sweet.

Lukas is well on his way to eternal bliss.

Soon there will be pics in the updates. I will try to snap a few of him in his sleep. 

Cool? Cool.

I need some sort of witty sign off.

LUUUUUKKKASSSS

'

He spent the better part of last night text messagingggggg

texttttttttting to a secret love.

woooooo.

she's got peace shoes from what I hear.

she's got wit

she's got style

she's got peace

it's onnnnnnnn m-fucker.

when asked about here lukas commented that she is a "beautiful person".

we thought that meant she was...you know...busted, but he said she was attractive inside and out.

here's to hitting in. Or to entering a fruitful long term platonic friendship. Or something in between?

wtf

blogging is so fucking annoying.

how do people do it?

gahhhhhhh. I feel like this blog is taking over my life. It feels like updating is a chore. FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK.

Okay. Lukas was talking to Lisa yesterday and I heard him say that he needs to give her more attention. More lovin'. I think it is really manly of Lukas to be able to admit this. Props bro. 

OMFG there was blues dancing last night. Lukas danced with lots of girls and some boys. He danced with me a few times. I felt his penis on my thigh a few times. It's cool. I think next week or maybe the week after there is supposed to be square dancing. This will be cool because maybe we will get to meet the famous missed connection. Hopefully something neat happens there. Lukas doesn't seem particularly stoked. 

He is about to go to work. He said something about getting nicer shirts for work, so maybe there is some sort of potential love interest worth impressing....

He couldn't possibly want to just like nice for work, right?

Last night he went to dinner at Nicholas with a "friend" from Olympia. No word on whether or not this is true love or one of those situations in which the love is unreciprocated due to the other person's interest in not the opposite sex. I don't even know if Lukas is in love with her or just has a huge crush. Or just a little one. Or none at all. He's hard to read.

He biked home from blues dancing last night with his shirt off. The honies were gawking at his hot 8-pack. The dudes was jealous. 

Sorry if some of the stuff in this blog seems gender-normative - Lukas is just a man-ass man.

In the distant future Lukas might go to Thailand. Shiiiiiiiiip the lady-boys ftw imo.  

ship the sherbet

lukas is emo.

jk.

he might be at work right now.

he could even be doing it in a closet or something on a cigarette break.

fuck. the suspense is killing me. 

touch my face

3:09 AM: Lukas in bed. Asleep. Cuddling with Lisa. Scandalous.

This past night he watched some sketchy Dustin Hoffman film which seemed like it was from a little later than 'the graduate' but around the same time maybe. His character was some sort of mathematics researcher living in the UK. Lots of sketchy sex and sketchy behaviour and sketchy characters and sketchy interactions. 

Most importantly is that the movie was recommended by movie store girl (msg hereafter)(nah fuck that, it will stay movie store girl). So I don't know if this will slowly bring them closer - but next time Lukas is in the movie store he will have some common ground to talk about. I wonder if he will pretend he liked it, as it is her number one pick. If he can somehow move the conversation toward Lord of the Rings and some crazy shit like Rohan or Gandorlf or the hobbit movie by peter jackson(?) (dear god I could  be wrong, but I might be right) in a way that is not awkward this might be the best bet. 

He watched the movie with Naomi. My sources tell me they didn't do anything freaky, but we'll keep you up to date on developing news. 

Nothing up to date on the missed connection yet. Developments to come in the next few weeks i'm sure. Her name is maybe Yosha, or something of that nature. Nobody remembers her. Meh. 

This is also an exciting time because Lukas just started work. Maybe there is some potential in a co-worker...? 

We have an investigative reporter on deep cover working to figure out if Lukas masturbates before bed, after waking up, lefty/righty, etc. Basically just masturbation 'stats', if you will. Will post once we know for sure. 

If I keep up this posting volume it would be so sick. 

And yes, I misspelled "Gandolf" on purpose because I thought you assholes would get a kick out of my amateurish lack of LOTR knowledge. Bite it. 

fuck fuck no that's good.

This is a blog about Lukas' love life.

We're sick of not living vicariously through him.

He's a fucking babe. Over the past few minutes days weeks whatever

there have been some goings on in the love life of Lukas. 

For all intents and purposes love could mean a whole lot of different shit.

Lukas will be regularly checking this blog to figure out what the fuck is up

with his love life. He is obviously clueless, so he needs this as much as you and me

and Lisa and other people. 

Make no mistake, motherfucker is a catch. This blog is not meant to sell the Lukas, though. 

Nor is it meant to convince of Lukas' prowess at giving affection, fucks, bee-js, fingerjobs, oral, kind words, encouragement, suggestive glances, etc. and let me tell you - it's prowess. This

blog is to keep you up to date on how all the goings on in his complex love life are progressing.

You fucking wish. That's all I can say.

Now that we've established Lukas may or may not be out of your league - and that you

should not consider this blog as a Lukas marketing tool - we can get down to the dirty

business of gossiping on some sick-to-fuck-in fresh Lukas Love News. 

In the coming posts we will delve into Lukas' ongoing relationship with his dog, Lisa. 

They're inseparable. Some cuddling, nothing sexual. More like father and daughter maybe?

Unconditional as fuck, yo. 

Lukas totally got a godddammmn mercury "I saw you" posted about him. That's tight we'll update that frequently.

There is a video store girl. She's probably perfect for him. He's probably too shy to talk to her.

Frequently sprinkled in between is a whole lotta unrequited love sent in the direction of a seemingly endless supply of gay girls. Solid. 

Some would say his standards are too high.

His love is pretty pure, and he probably disapproves of this blog. 

If at any point somebody feels uncomfortable about anything posted here, please let us know

and we will be sure to respectfully meet any reasonable requests. It's more for fun than 

anything.

And lastly, it might be good to add that Lukas does not endorse this blog at all. Anything written here does not have pre-approval from Lukas. If I say some chilly shit, don't go blaming him - he's an innocent. This blog does not speak for Lukas. 

Also it will not be checked for spelling, grammar or coherence - so you can just fuck right off.